9.42pm -

i have deep seated trust issues.
it's funny how comfort can scare the living shitlights out of me.
numb. just so numb.

is it strange that my life is finally coming together and yet falling apart at the same time? i suck at living.

oh hail queen sam, destroyer of relationships.
destined to be alone forever. seriously.
too damned selfish and cowardly for anything.

woohoo.

2.04am - there are some days i go around the motions in life and come back all nice and dandy. then something has to happen that reminds me of you. i don't know how i've been holding up thus far but i just miss you so much. i know you're watching me but i can't see you and i wish you'd just come back and hold me. i really need you some days. i don't know what you'd tell me if you saw me lying down on the bed/floor/sofa and think of you and how things used to be. i swear, for a few moments everytime my heart hurts so badly. it just feels like someone is grabbing it with your hands and they have talons for fingernails. i try not to cry because i know you're in a better place. i'm sorry my cantonese is still so bad. i miss you. i love you. sometimes i wish that death could be reversed and we'd be sitting at the balcony, you eating and me watching you for awhile. i feel you stare back at me everyday as i walk in and out of the house and i have to admit sometimes i forget and sometimes i avoid. sometimes i feel like you're still alive and i would try to queue up to buy you bubble tea, butterfly kueh or lunch. i feel insane always. you're still here in my heart and in my life i just wish i could hug you like i did before and we would lie together on your bed in silence and just enjoy each others company. sometimes i hate it when people bring you up like your something that's of a permanent past and talk like there's nothing left. because that's not true, there's still so much left. sometimes i feel bad that my stuff are now in your cupboard. everytime i make too narrow a turn and walk into your sewing machine my heart breaks a little. i'm sorry i didnt sit down to talk to you more in the last year. if i could turn back time i would change so many things. i would have helped you more when you looked unwell the day you got sick, i would have not answered my phone when my phone rang. i would have helped you properly back on the bed instead of freaking out and running to daddy and mummy's room for help. i would have given you the oxygen you needed from the machine before running off to daddy and mummy's room. i would have sat down and held your hand instead of going back to sleep just because you asked me too. i wish i didn't. i really wish i didn't. i told you so many times before that i love you and that everything would be okay to let go of us because God is watching over us and you don't need to worry. it's true you don't but im sorry i just find it so hard sometimes. i have so many things to say to you and i can't because i don't know what it is i need/want to say to you. i just really want you back. sometimes as i walk back home from the bus stop i look up at the balcony hoping to say hi to you before i walk in to say hi to everyone else. i miss your smile, your laugh and the way you used to squish my face when i lay down next to you. i'll never forget your laboured breath and the colour draining from your face. those are things i never wished i would have had to see. you're probably thinking i'm silly for crying so much when it's been quite a while or is it really. about two months really. i really miss you and need you so much it hurts. so much i cry like a baby. i hug muju and popo once in awhile and think of you. i watch oreo and her eyes and know she wishes she got to say goodbye the day you left. i watch kuma and feel her pain. i hear everyone talk about you and feel their pain and yet i can't verbalise to them how much i miss you and love you too. how the littlest most irrelevant thing in my life reminds me of you. i don't know. i really don't know. i feel so constricted so messed up and so empty all at the same time. i'll be okay, really. you're my motivation okay. everything is going to be for you. i'm sorry if i ever failed you or hurt you. i miss your cooking. i miss your little bouts of english (lol. so cute) but most of all i just miss you. i'll deal. i always do and i hope you're proud of me now.

i love you, mama. probably alot more than i think/know i do and i miss you so much that something inside of me dies a little everytime your name comes up. i love you.

love,
your grandaughter
sam-sam

12.08am - my motivation for 2 days ago has seriously started to wane and i feel bad about it. sigh. i still cant believe i missed the spring semester.

10.24pm -


the next week pretty much looks like this culminating with THREE final presentations ONE full dress rehearsal. i'm actually quite sad to know that school is almost over : (

it's been such an eventful semester with so many disappointments and heartache. but i reallyreally love it.

i'm glad to be enjoying school albiet the workload. of course, school would be nothing without my groupmates.

chee, glenn, yh and eunice. thank you ( :

2.37pm -
















.

10.44pm - the salvation army does wonders for the soul. i feel so much more repaired already. i just wish some things just never happened in the first place. i'll deal.


I'm no wiser than the fool that I was before.

disappearing for the weekend. i'll miss you guys.

12.02am - 1000th post. it's funny how so much can change in less than 24 hours.
i can't wait. ( :

3.26am - i can't even begin to describe how i feel. i feel so numb, so empty and yet so constricted all at once.

i'm just so frustrated. at myself, at everything around me, at my life and sometimes at God. i wish i could understand why and smile. afterall, i'm hardly the person who should be upset.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i were a Sim.
If I would die of aspiration failure and start seeing the loony doctor, the social bunny or even the hula girls who accompany the grim reaper. i wonder if it would be easier if i were a Sim. or maybe I am and the person who's playing me is making me do everything I do as their idea of a sick joke.

my past comes smackng my straight in the face with every new person i meet and in ever y new situation i face. i think i deserve it.

two days ago i sat down and waxed my legs in desperate attempt to take it all away.

it didn't work.


eventually.

10.18pm -

google is such a power tool. today it told me that my future's alot further than i had imagined, just that much more out of reach. so often we get lost in the negativities that our lives procure and forget about the now. but how long does now last for?

i need to make sense of my life. i can't go on without being in the know-how.

it's so weird that i'm upset about something i'm not even sure i want. life gave me rotten lemons and a very bad nail habit.

i need to shop and yet i know it doesn't help much. sigh.

someone show me some direction.

10.47pm - it's so frustrating. i'm so sick and tired of watching you steal my style. the way i wear my clothes, to the way i speak and even the way i type. cant you find your something to call your own? why do you have to take everything i do and vomit it out all over the internet like it's your own.

hello. seriously woman. back off.

8.55pm - a few days shy of two months. i'm not sure if it's gotten easier. a picture on the piano is really not a good substitute for the real thing.

i really miss you, mama.

9.03am - i'm so screwed. whoopeedoo.

6.31pm - school is seriously draining away all my energy but dinner with the gang always seems to make it all better. i love you bobsch and thank you for loving me.

3.25am - i am disgusting. i sat down with a box of eclairs and just ate like three at one go.

i need to
1)stop eating crap
2)start exercising
3)do my damned FA2
4)stop watching csi
5)stop staring at the clock and waiting for time to pass before i can go to vivo to change my new prettyful Keds (!!!!!!) for a size smaller
6)stop shopping like whoa
7)start saving.... again.
8)eat in more often cause it's a)healthier and b)saves me the mooolah
9)stop yoootooobing so much. urgh
10)do SOP for mobbers and email all the lovely ye lovely student delegates
11)adopt someway or another better sleeping habits
12)ditto for eating habits
13)not crave for gladiators. everyone has them. i don't need them : (

at least i'm not an emo nemo. so yay.

1.15am -

7.21pm -



JD really reminds me how much i miss it.

2.48am -

4.36pm - i've officially lost all respect for journalists. thanks bitch. really. thank you oh-so-fucking much.

4.21pm - someone stole my ambition.

thanks bitch.

12.38am -

Tagged by Kimo



#1: I am unbelievably, incredibly, indisputably the clumsiest person i know. I've stabbed myself accidentally, burnt my face accidentally, gotten my finger stuck in a seatbelt and even ran into a glass window before. Because of this, i always find myself stubbing my toe on door frames (walking into them is a daily occurrence), hitting my hand on the bottom of tables and tripping over my slippers.


#2: I am quite iffy about table manners especially when it comes to chopsticks. i find it exceptionally rude when people use them like satay sticks or bang them like drums. I irks me when people can't use them properly.


#3: I have a thing for all things raisins. Chocolate coated raisins, rum and raisin ice cream, raisin bread, raisin cookies, RAISINS IN SALADDDS. omg. i love raisins. apparently it's not much of a secret though cause i received quite a bit of raisin related presents for my birthday this year. lol.


#4: I'm probably not the most positive person on earth. i am neurotic and cynical beyond believe and identify with being a misanthrope for the most part of my life. i always believe in a silver lining though, when it comes to someone elses life. ahahha.


#5: Collarbones and jawlines are the most sexy part of anyone's body. I also have a thing for shoulders, eyes and sexy shoes.


#6: I don't sing much (if not ever) at home because my sister and mom are reaaaaaaally good singers and i feel inferior.


#7: I do work better when i'm pissed off and there are alot of people around me to ignore.


#8: I tend to ignore and cut off people who i feel are important to me because i often feel like I'm not worthy of their friendship. sometimes my own feelings scare me too. which is bloody retarded but I'm just that way.


#9: I window shop far more than I shopshop. I have alot more self-control than alot of people would like to believe and really am not as brand conscious as it seems. The likelihood of me buying a book than buying a pair of shoes is probably about a million times higher.


#10: I'm majorly OCD and need to squeeze my ketchup a certain way. I've improved alot since secondary school though. reaaaaallly.


#11: I reallyreallyreally don't like talking on the phone. It scares the living daylights out of me and half the time I don't know what to say.


#12: My attention span is like zilch. i tend to drift off when i least should and remember things that i really don't need to.


#13: My mandarin and math are not as bad as they seem. I just hate thinking so....


#14: When I listen to songs I hear the harmony even before I hear the melody. because of this I find it hard to sing the melody of songs sometimes. sigh.


#15: I think I'm butt-ugly and cannot take compliments, like ever. I just don't know what to do. or say. lol.


#16: I have the worst of luck when it comes to friends. I always seem to find a nice little group whom i think will be my bffl and then have the worst of falling outs. I think it's because of my trust issues and the whole once-bitten,twice-shy thing. because of this, i have a huge appreciation for everyone who has stuck around. I love you guys.


#17: When i was younger, i wanted to be a writer but...


#18: I'm very sentimental and often think more with my heart than my head. I believe in emotional attachments and find it very hard to let go of things. which is probably why i get affected by the littlest of things.


#19: I used to sit in the car and race the raindrops as they slid down the window.


#20: I've always believed that I'm one of those people who will go for a two week holiday, fall in love with the place and never come back home.

#21: i always try to logicalise everything around me but i often end up with weird theories. when i was younger i believed that you got aids from the aedes mosquito and dengue from the malaria mosquito. steak is also pork to me.


I tag the whole of bobsch, because cheryl already has and i was gonna post a meme on the blog anyway, so yes! i'm curious.

8.57pm - i'm so tired. past the realms of exhaustion and right into the pits of fatigue. i feel like crying and throwing myself down on the ground and giving up.

why do i even bother sometimes.